just a blip.

i vaguely appreciate that i have no followers. i'm just another blip in the world. the big world of the internet. which is potentially bigger than the real world. because people can be more than one person on here. i know i am.

hence the love of discretion.

i feel like i need to go out and DO things. i think that's why i feel like living here is so strange. in billings i DID things. i went out and drove around, met people and accomplished things. here i just go to work and waste time watching tv shows. which is fine for now but i feel like i'm lacking. i need to go somewhere and be outside. i need to meet people and remember how they can be. i need to love and get hurt and remember what it feels like to long for someone again.

i'll even take fake affection, like last time. just something to make me FEEL.

i took a survey for work and my emotional control is a nine out of ten. which means i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, i'm rather stoic, and i don't care about other people's shit.

i'm usually fond of having no emotions and not having to deal with them. i think i've just blocked most of them out because i've seen what they can do.

but i miss being able to feel a little bit. i miss that passion, the horror of the truth, and the shock of love. or lust. it doesn't even matter at this point.

i know you're feeling the same. both of you. but we've got no pictures to prove we've even been in the same place at the same time. sometimes i just want to photo document my whole life so i can look back and have proof that it really was real.

it's time to take more pictures. i wish i was more photogenic.

i'm trying to think of when i was the happiest.

summer 2008 comes to mind. maybe early winter/spring too. i look at all those pictures and relive all those memories and it makes me sad that it's over. that the people are gone. that who i was then is gone.

i'm not unhappy now. but i got really unhappy after that summer. in the fall.

maybe that brief period was the eye of the storm. the storm of my depression. because it got bad after that. even when it continued to get better, it was bad. worse than i even knew. i think i'm still shocked at the damage that was done to me.

i want you to know that i miss you. and i'm glad you're happy. and i wish we could still be friends.

but we're so different. and we want different things and are headed different places. good for us for growing up and moving on. it was our goal all along.

i've always been the "lie to make them feel better" type.

but maybe only to actual lost causes. the ones i've really tried to help with good advice. but who might just be too immature to be a real person yet.

i was that person once. i like to think that i've moved past who she is at least a little bit. grown up, figured some things out. maybe we never leave who we were...we just bury them.

"strangers kissing in the pouring rain, chasing after your leaving train, but we know that's not how our song goes."

"i just can't believe we breathe the same air."

funny how things change.

sometimes you walk around thinking, "damn, i was made for this job."

but it's not a job that you actually have. and maybe you don't know people nearly as well as you should.

and maybe...you're the one that really needs the therapy.